My True Purpose In Life

I found this list of things that I wrote, saved as 'What is my true purpose in life'. Sometimes I write stuff as a diary, to remember things and my thoughts; then I read them later and remember how something felt. I remember writing this... I found this idea online, of making a list to find something new about yourself and set some goals as well. Now, more than a year later, I'm reading this and some of the listings make me think twice. I definitely went deep, when I was writing it, so I'd like to share and discuss some of the stuff I wrote, which is meaningful to me on a completely different level.

These are not in any order of importance; I’m just pointing them out of the list. And others are either too personal or too random, a.k.a. what majority wants to accomplish. Here we go.

1. To become something, that right now I have no clue at all

I was always ambitious, always wanted to try new things and do stuff that I didn't even know I'm able to do. I always crave for new adventures, seeing places I’ve never seen; meet people that right now I don’t know exist. They may contribute to my lifelong story someday, you can never know. I’m that type of person, who believes that your actions now affect your future. Nothing happens ‘just because’ or because it is meant for you. I do believe that it is only you who decide whether you take those chances or not. Do you want different life in few years, evolve it? Then take an opportunity you heard about, but didn’t believe that you can be the right person for it. You will never know without trying.

Source: own albums - Osorščica, Croatia: 2015

2. To tell him about my feelings for him

I’d like to point this one out for one and one reason only. Missed chances. I held back my feelings for way too long and guess what happened. Life moved on for both of us, we drifted apart and all that is left is an old friendship and memories on funny things we’ve done. Whoever is reading this, I want to make sure that you do understand that you just HAVE TO tell what’s on your mind. Sure, it is hard; it can ruin your friendship and drive you apart, but hear me out. Is it really better to drift apart after few years of a great friendship, because the stories changed, after all you’ve been thinking all along is how to tell him and if he feels the same; than loose a possible friend at the start, because he just doesn’t see you this way? Bottom line, at least you know from the start. Do yourself a favour so there won’t be any regrets years later. Take it from me as I learned it the hard way.

Source: Pinterest

3. To find out who I really am

     To accept who I really am

     To tell people who I really am

Finding these three really hit me hard. I had troubles with identity for quite a while and I was not in a good place. So I made it easier for me and accept what I know about myself. There’s plenty more that I don’t know yet, also; so there will really never be an end to self-defining, but at least I keep this in mind and take it as a fact, not an obstacle. You have to be honest with yourself, others come after… To feel good in your own skin is the most important here.

Source: my albums: Me before attending a fair :)

4. Not to disappoint parents

For me, this one is the one that got me thinking the most. I have so many characteristics that my parents either don’t know about or don’t accept. Minor stuff I’d say. But as I grew older, I matured and made own decisions, now there are many things that I didn’t share with my parents. Part of my life is hidden from them, mostly because I’m not living regularly with them anymore. I come back every other weekend, but otherwise I live on the other side of the country. I wouldn’t say that it is a bad thing that they don’t know me that well anymore, it is just tough to think, that one day I will probably share my stories and what I do etc. and they might look differently on me because of that. I’ve always been scared to death that my parents wouldn’t approve something in my life. My family is very important to me, as much as their opinions. So I think that this fear that I have, disappointing parents, will stay with me for the rest of my life. I think I will always have this voice in my head, saying “Is this something my family would approve?” This matters to me as much as I need to hear “I’m proud of you” from any member of my family. You know, the feeling that your family stands behind your actions. I need it.

Source: Cyanide and Happiness

Check my video Letter to my younger self on Youtube, where I gave advise to my 15-years old myself. It's a message that I would appreciate back then.

Here's a Vlog from the most dark days of my confusement about myself, titled as I'm not living my life as myself.

For more regular updates from my life, add me on Snapchat: tanci94

Heads up, cherish every moment of your life.

Source: my albums: Snapchat

tanci94

When Do I Feel Most Weak?

I was thinking about my life and where I am going with it, and I asked myself this question.

'When do I feel most weak?'

Thinking about it, I realized my reasons of weakness. It happens, when I don’t feel heard. When friends don’t contact me back when I desperately need their words or talk. Sometimes I don’t even ask someone for talk or hanging out, just because deep inside I know he/she won’t take time for me anyway. So why would I bother asking then?

Source: www.sodahead.com

I won’t lie, I am getting afraid of feelings that I have lately. And of my thinking. I don’t know, if it is just because it’s this time or the year (Valentine’s Day) when people are happy, and I’m drowning in sorrows, or it is something bigger, that’s is getting its form inside me. And lately, I’m scared of that option number two. Because if that is true, it might lead to depression and constantly feeling down, maybe later I wouldn’t be able to escape it anymore.

Source: kthirteen.deviantart.com 

I believe that I’m not the only one feeling this way, having second thoughts about my life directions and so on … but I just wish I had a buddy to cope this sh*t with. On other hand, I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore, just because I became a little different from what I was before. I am afraid to open myself completely to someone and tell what’s going on. There are moments when I try to do it or I’m thinking about it, but I just don’t. I’m afraid. I’m that little bug in a shell, never coming out of it. I just made that illusion of myself. Oh well, at least I know where I am right now. Or I don’t, because I’m still searching for the answer to “Who am I?”. 

Help me.

I made a YouTube Vlog I'm not living my life as myself, here's a bit of what I am going through right now.
You can check my Pinterest board Tomboy. where I pin photos of tomboys, example of what I want to let out, be like other tomboys, who have the guts to be themselves.

tanci94

Why am I weird minded?

Why am I weird minded?

First of all, I'm a very introverted person. The word for me is - a loner, a weird one. A lot of people think, that being a loner is the same as being lonely or sad, or even depressed. But that's not true, at least not in my case. Loner is kind of a state of mind, what I am. End. My definition.

Source: maryandjim.devianart.net

Enjoying my own company, doing what I please, social life equals zero, and the most important, I talk to myself. And I don't mean just saying some answers to yourself now and then, I mean a full conversation, when I talk for both people. And I don't need a mirror for that. Everything goes on in my mind, but I'm talking for real, like it's actually happening. Like seriously. Doing it loud and I don't know what people think, when they hear me, but I don't really care. My neighbours probably lost their minds by now. Anyways, after 15mins of talking to myself, I realise what the f**k am I doing, I laugh at myself and then I go: "I did it again." Like what the hell is wrong with you. That's actually my every day.

About a month ago, I found a writing by someone on the door at public toilet in Ljubljana, that said "You don't have to be perfect to be awesome!" and below, from someone else "I am awesome!". And I just had to take out my red pencil and write "and I'm weird!" Hahaha you can still find this creation there. What I wanted to say is, that I'm proving it all the way :D

In my TanVlog#2 (YT) I said, that "more, that you're alone, more crazy and freaky-minded you get." Amen! I'm a living prove. I spend a lot of time alone, because I want it that way. And that gives you stupid ideas and stories, fantasies and so on.. and, you know, that sh*t makes you even weirder. But I gotta admit that I like that. I like the fact, that I'm a freaky and bit of retarded human being. Me. Hi!

tanci94