When Do I Feel Most Weak?

I was thinking about my life and where I am going with it, and I asked myself this question.

'When do I feel most weak?'

Thinking about it, I realized my reasons of weakness. It happens, when I don’t feel heard. When friends don’t contact me back when I desperately need their words or talk. Sometimes I don’t even ask someone for talk or hanging out, just because deep inside I know he/she won’t take time for me anyway. So why would I bother asking then?

Source: www.sodahead.com

I won’t lie, I am getting afraid of feelings that I have lately. And of my thinking. I don’t know, if it is just because it’s this time or the year (Valentine’s Day) when people are happy, and I’m drowning in sorrows, or it is something bigger, that’s is getting its form inside me. And lately, I’m scared of that option number two. Because if that is true, it might lead to depression and constantly feeling down, maybe later I wouldn’t be able to escape it anymore.

Source: kthirteen.deviantart.com 

I believe that I’m not the only one feeling this way, having second thoughts about my life directions and so on … but I just wish I had a buddy to cope this sh*t with. On other hand, I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore, just because I became a little different from what I was before. I am afraid to open myself completely to someone and tell what’s going on. There are moments when I try to do it or I’m thinking about it, but I just don’t. I’m afraid. I’m that little bug in a shell, never coming out of it. I just made that illusion of myself. Oh well, at least I know where I am right now. Or I don’t, because I’m still searching for the answer to “Who am I?”. 

Help me.

I made a YouTube Vlog I'm not living my life as myself, here's a bit of what I am going through right now.
You can check my Pinterest board Tomboy. where I pin photos of tomboys, example of what I want to let out, be like other tomboys, who have the guts to be themselves.

tanci94

If I would have the guts #Tomboy

If I would have the guts

If only I had the courage to change my outcome, how I present myself to people around me. To show the real me inside, with no filters or thinking what should I wear, what should I be saying..

First thing that would change at that point, is my hair. I have long hair now and I hate it. I have it for few years now, before I always had shoulder length hair. But for the last year I'm feeling the need to cut it all off. I want to have hair like a boy, styled as I want to, just how I feel about it. If I wanted to have messed up hair, I would. If I wanted to use lots of hair gel to stlye it, then I would. If I wanted to leave it as 'I woke up like this' thing, then I would. That's what I want and that's what I'm looking for in my future being, when I'll have the guts to cut my hair for real.

Source: andro-boi.tumblr.com

But not just hair, all the outside of me. For instance, how I dress. I have a certain passion for tomboy style clothes. When I am wearing those combinations of clothes, I feel free, I really feel myself being opened and give an opinion about me to the people who see me like that. I also reflect the clothes in acting more like a man or boy-ish, which is also what I loove doing. It's just my thing. I don't feel like a girly girl, I never did. 

Source: Pinterest

But now, when I am becoming more open minded and I see all the posibilities for a human to be, then I begin to question myself, who I am. Before that, I thought that I am that person, that people around me wanted me to be. I thought that there's no other option, that's it. Like I have no word in this. Oh, I was wrong. 

Now I'm begining to understand myself and why I do certain stuff that other girls don't. And at the same time I'm getting lost in all the possibilities for me to be. So hopefully, I'll soon know for sure who I am, and I hope that I'll be able to admit that in front of others too. 

Tanja, just … don't live in a lie.

Check my Pinterest board Tomboy. where I pin photos of tomboys, example of what I want to let out, be like other tomboys, who have the guts to be themselves.

Also I made a YouTube Vlog I'm not living my life as myself, here's a bit of what I am going through right now.

tanci94

Biggest Mistake - I Let Him Go

Biggest Mistake - I Let Him Go

Whenever I play some old songs on my guitar, that I used to play when I felt so in love with that one guy, I immediately remember all of it all over again. Feels like I'm getting pushed through all emotions that I had back there. So I played that Chester Sees song Everything on my guitar, and that song made me remember everything again. Whoever is reading this, must be thinking that I feel sad or depressed right now, but the truth is, that I like to remember it, have thoughts about him, even though we haven't talked in a long time, not to mention how long we haven't seen each other. Gosh, I miss him. As a friend, if nothing else. He was the one, who always brought smile on my face, made me laugh and brightened my day.

Source: stonestalk2.wordpress.com

There's a thing that I need to admit to myself and to the world, to realize for real, that I SCREWED IT UP. I made the biggest mistake of my life. And I will never forgive myself for what and how I did it. I LET HIM GO. I just … watched him leave and I did nothing. And when I say »let him go«, I mean literally ... go. I had the chance of making something out of the situation that we were in. It could be so simple. It would change the my-life story. But no, I watched him slowly drive away from the driveway of my house.

We spent the day full of suprises. That summer day was better than any ever planned. Actually, the time that we spent together was around 3 hours, but it felt like whole day, so much things worth remembering happened. Spent the day outside and then in his home, but the point is, that he drove me home at the end. I left the car, I was standing almost at the front door, and I was looking at him through the mirror in the car, noticing that he was also looking at me. So we just froze for like five seconds and then I made that goddamn mistake. I shouldn't have moved to the front door like I am leaving inside the house. Because of that move, he logically drove on to the road. But there's something he doesn't know. When I stepped away from the point where he could see me, I sit down on the stair in front of the door and buried my head in my hands, thinking 'why am I doing this?'. Like that, I waited to hear the sound of wheels on gravel. While listening to this sound, I knew. I knew, that was the biggest mistake I ever made. If I could re-do that day, it would probably end differently. If you, dear reader, are still reading this, now you know, why I said that I literally let him go.

Source: whispersforthesoul.com

To this day, my feelings for him haven't changed, I just haven't seen him in so long, his picture is fading. I would do something, if I just knew he feels anything close to what I feel. And it's not just feelings, it's also attraction, physical attraction that I feel for him, zero other boys made me craving for them. To get the picture – he just has to anyhow ask for it, to get it, big time. Well, this heart-breaking story just got a dirty twist, but hey, I'm just writing the truth down. 

While thinking how to describe my desire for him, I came across this thought, which describes how I see him the best.  

Believe it or not, I think I would rather have a woman, than have any other man than him.

tanci94

I can find it myself! Or ...

I can find it myself! Or ...

I was at the library today. Again. Every time I walk into that place, I get that exciting feeling, how many books are there, waiting for me. I had my to-read list with me, and then, where to start? I ran the computer to find out, where the hell those books are. 5 minutes later, still staring at monitor, I had no idea on which shelve this particular book was. 

Source: www.niutoday.info

I was considering asking the librarian, but No!, I have my reputation, I can do this! I mean, I have been in library so many times by now, I should know how the hell to find that stack of paper with coloured cover on it, but yet I don't. So I investigated what those weird numbers by the books title mean, then rose from the chair in style of victory and went on adventure between shelves to find that treasure. Walking, searching, sighing with despair, more of walking, almost giving up ... 

But then, just when I intended to go towards that microphone at the desk, to say: "Can the book Divergent please come to the front desk immediately? Book Divergent to the desk! Thank you.", I saw it. There it was. My precious, all shiny as an opened fridge in the shadow of night. I needed JUST 20 minutes. 

Source: shelversanon.blogspot.com

And then I remembered, that's only one book, six more to go! So I walked back to computer in devastation, searching for other book, when suddenly, out of nowhere, librarian asked me, if I needed any help. In my head, I was arguing with myself, whether say yes or no, kinda like "Damn, I'm doing just fine, don't question my abilities!" versus "You're an idiot. Let the professionals handle your hard-to-do situation. The library won't be open whole night for your tiny brain to find stuff. Help is advised."

Source: alena-gordievich.deviantart.com

Eight and a half minutes later, I had all 7 books in my hands, thanks to I-know-where-every-single-book-is librarian. I walked outside, when a not-understandable thought hit me. "It's still daylight? Normally, it's night, when I come out of the library ..."

tanci94

Chased by a cat

Chased by a cat

So last week I was on a bike, cycling through nearest villages, having a great time on my own and the weather was sunny. When something really strange happened. I was driving with a speed of about 15 km/h on a road, surrounded by fields and almost no houses.

So I was driving past high grass, while talking to myself (like always, as you know), when I heard something moving in the grass. Something black, then I realised it's a cat. My first reaction was "Aww, a cat.", like when you see a little ball of fur with puppy eyes. Well not puppy, it's a freaking cat. But then all became strange, the sh*t that happened was as expected as the slutty career of Miley Cyrus.

Source: mohammadamiri.deviantart.com

When I went by the cat, it started to run after me, chasing me like it's for its life. It caught up with me, I was shocked while looking down what the hell is going on. The freaking cat ran WITH me, it was so close to the wheels, that I was sitting frozen, so I wouldn't run over it. I yelled "What the f*ck is wrong with you?", but it became clear that it was racing with me! Even though I was confused, just as I am when listening PSY songs, I pushed the pedals harder and raced with that f*ucking cat. The cat obviously understood what I was doing, so it used its full power to just pass me by with the speed of light. You should've seen that. It looked like some old granny vs. Bolt on olympics.

Source: frankyding90.deviantart.com

Freaking cat went past me, ran to the other side of road into the high grass, just a centimeter away from front wheel of my stupid bike, who lost a match towards a cat. A cat. I'll never be able to look into the eyes of my bike again. Stupid bike. Stupid cat. This fight isn't over. I shall come back and outrun you, Cat the Greatest. Brace yourselves, all the cats of humanity .. I mean, of cat-nity, as my comeback will defeat you all. And here's a song, that's in my head most commonly since that day:

            Hey kitty,

Fool kitty,

Stupid ball from hell.

Lazy kitty,

Looser kitty,

War, war, war.

Source: tumblr.com

tanci94

Summer's up! RIP my skin.

Summer's up! RIP my skin. 

It's june already and hot days are coming in. It's that time of the year, when you don't know if you should stay inside, cause it's so hot, and just chill, or go outside and get burnt to the bones. I prefer staying inside, cause my skin obviously hates sun. I get burnt quicker than a nerd spells p-h-o-t-o-t-o-x-i-c.

 

Source: learning.blogs.nytimes.com

Wasn't even summer yet, and I'm already burnt. Just for being on a bike for an hour. Nice. And right after my skin recover from that, it gets all milky-coloured again. Everytime. Like what tha ...?

 

Picture this, every summer I get to the seaside, everyone there has a nice tan, looking good, and I'm there as white as a polar bear who lost his way, ending up in Hall of Darkness. I swear my skin could glow in the dark, I'm that white. And the sun gets me everywhereee! Universe hates me, apparently.. Sun, Earth and The Moon gather together saying: Yo, lets burn this madafakaa. I sure appreciate it. Dumbasses.

 

Source: lavendra.deviantart.com

And I just hate it, when people say "Aww you're so white!" and they compare their skin to mine. That kinda looks like Oreo cookie, when clearly I'm the one in the middle. And then they're all smart, saying "Go sunbathing, tan a little!" Yea. Sure. Cause I never tried that. Thanks for advice. Let me go and cover myself with lots of magnifying glasses while walking down the street instead of sunbathing. Practically the fuc*ing same thing to me.

 

Source: www.newgrounds.com

 

So let me enjoy the sunny-less spots of the world, cause the sun is getting up again. Need to escape from its powers, I don't wanna be a tomato for the rest of the summer. Better find a cave real soon. Anyone joining?

 

tanci94

 

Me, behave? Hell no!

Me, behave? Hell no!

Firstly, just to get an impression, here's something that describes me perfectly:

"Some people think I'm crazy, but some people KNOW that I am."

(I just wrote that. I know, I know - such a poet.)

Source: favim.com

Whenever people are not at home, somewhere out, they are careful about their look, what they do, the attitude and so on.. but not me. I simply don't care how I present myself to the world around me. I don't care how my face looks at the moment, what I'm wearing, is my hair okay.. I just don't see, why would that be important in any way. Okay, I get that you have to be properly dressed for school, church or job, and of course I'm dressed like I should be in this situations. What I'm saying is, that when I go out with friends or while meeting new people, I don't care how I look or behave, I'm just good old me. Weird myself. 

As a result, I behave, like I'm at home, talking to myself, I make weird faces, talk loudly, sometimes scream across the hall to another friend, and then everybody is staring at me. At that times I think: 'Yeah, that's me, so face it!' I don't even try to make new friends, I actually made a few just BECAUSE I am the way that I am. I met some people, who are not afraid to look stupid in public, at college, on the bus. So actually, being completely myself has helped me to find exactly those human beings, who fit to my personality perfectly. If that's not something great, then I don't know what is!

Source: rachelslookbook.com

I'm not trying to make a good impression or trying to be similar to others in some situations, but I'm not saying that I'm not polite. I don't want to be rude! Who would want that? So, when I say, that I behave as I please, I mean - as I please WITH a nice heart to others. I guess. Seems legit to me!

Ya, about that behavior thing... I laugh loudly and retarded. I have so many different laughs, that probably not even one video on whole YouTube describes all the types of them. I'm laughing at anything, nothing, and everything, except for the actual jokes, because I often don't get them hahaha :D if you're ever looking for me, just follow your ears and you'll find me sooner as with using your eyes. People around me often look at me as 'what the hell is funny?' or 'would you stop already?' Unfortunately I find that amusing, so it makes it even worse.

Source: sodahead.com

So, if you're intending to become my friend, I have to warn you right now! Our behavior might get us into trouble, or (more possibly) you'll loose all your normal friends. When you're joining me = joining the weird club. To the weirdness!

tanci94

Why am I weird minded?

Why am I weird minded?

First of all, I'm a very introverted person. The word for me is - a loner, a weird one. A lot of people think, that being a loner is the same as being lonely or sad, or even depressed. But that's not true, at least not in my case. Loner is kind of a state of mind, what I am. End. My definition.

Source: maryandjim.devianart.net

Enjoying my own company, doing what I please, social life equals zero, and the most important, I talk to myself. And I don't mean just saying some answers to yourself now and then, I mean a full conversation, when I talk for both people. And I don't need a mirror for that. Everything goes on in my mind, but I'm talking for real, like it's actually happening. Like seriously. Doing it loud and I don't know what people think, when they hear me, but I don't really care. My neighbours probably lost their minds by now. Anyways, after 15mins of talking to myself, I realise what the f**k am I doing, I laugh at myself and then I go: "I did it again." Like what the hell is wrong with you. That's actually my every day.

About a month ago, I found a writing by someone on the door at public toilet in Ljubljana, that said "You don't have to be perfect to be awesome!" and below, from someone else "I am awesome!". And I just had to take out my red pencil and write "and I'm weird!" Hahaha you can still find this creation there. What I wanted to say is, that I'm proving it all the way :D

In my TanVlog#2 (YT) I said, that "more, that you're alone, more crazy and freaky-minded you get." Amen! I'm a living prove. I spend a lot of time alone, because I want it that way. And that gives you stupid ideas and stories, fantasies and so on.. and, you know, that sh*t makes you even weirder. But I gotta admit that I like that. I like the fact, that I'm a freaky and bit of retarded human being. Me. Hi!

tanci94