Why am I spending precious time not living?

Lately I feel like I don’t live my life to the fullest. Like I could do so much more in this time that I’m spending on boring regular things that just pass time: work, computer, talks with my roommates and sleeping... I just go from day to day and everything is passing by so quickly. 

Source: kill3r4ev3r.deviantart.com

I don’t feel happy. I look like a ghost, a shadow of myself. Friends often ask me, how come that I’m in a bad mood, while I don’t notice being frustrated or sad. And when I do that thinking late at night, I realise that I didn’t do anything besides regular today. It is a real bummer. I don’t want to spend this year like this. 

Because I failed last year at Uni, I am working this year and not visiting classes. It’s the first year of my life when I have lots of spare time and I don’t know what to do with it. I could go on the streets with my guitar and just entertain or sing for myself or I could do something else that I always wanted, but instead I am focusing on this day from morning to late night. Not good enough for me. 

Source: people.desktopnexus.com

I have always been incredibly ambitious, but this year threw me of the track a bit. I have a hope for next year though. When I'll start the third year of my Uni, stuff should go back to normal. I can see myself sitting in classes every day, being old nerdy me. Always had a bit of a crush on books and learning new stuff. 

Source: favim.com

And right now, I’m completely the opposite.

tanci94

When Do I Feel Most Weak?

I was thinking about my life and where I am going with it, and I asked myself this question.

'When do I feel most weak?'

Thinking about it, I realized my reasons of weakness. It happens, when I don’t feel heard. When friends don’t contact me back when I desperately need their words or talk. Sometimes I don’t even ask someone for talk or hanging out, just because deep inside I know he/she won’t take time for me anyway. So why would I bother asking then?

Source: www.sodahead.com

I won’t lie, I am getting afraid of feelings that I have lately. And of my thinking. I don’t know, if it is just because it’s this time or the year (Valentine’s Day) when people are happy, and I’m drowning in sorrows, or it is something bigger, that’s is getting its form inside me. And lately, I’m scared of that option number two. Because if that is true, it might lead to depression and constantly feeling down, maybe later I wouldn’t be able to escape it anymore.

Source: kthirteen.deviantart.com 

I believe that I’m not the only one feeling this way, having second thoughts about my life directions and so on … but I just wish I had a buddy to cope this sh*t with. On other hand, I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore, just because I became a little different from what I was before. I am afraid to open myself completely to someone and tell what’s going on. There are moments when I try to do it or I’m thinking about it, but I just don’t. I’m afraid. I’m that little bug in a shell, never coming out of it. I just made that illusion of myself. Oh well, at least I know where I am right now. Or I don’t, because I’m still searching for the answer to “Who am I?”. 

Help me.

I made a YouTube Vlog I'm not living my life as myself, here's a bit of what I am going through right now.
You can check my Pinterest board Tomboy. where I pin photos of tomboys, example of what I want to let out, be like other tomboys, who have the guts to be themselves.

tanci94

Biggest Mistake - I Let Him Go

Biggest Mistake - I Let Him Go

Whenever I play some old songs on my guitar, that I used to play when I felt so in love with that one guy, I immediately remember all of it all over again. Feels like I'm getting pushed through all emotions that I had back there. So I played that Chester Sees song Everything on my guitar, and that song made me remember everything again. Whoever is reading this, must be thinking that I feel sad or depressed right now, but the truth is, that I like to remember it, have thoughts about him, even though we haven't talked in a long time, not to mention how long we haven't seen each other. Gosh, I miss him. As a friend, if nothing else. He was the one, who always brought smile on my face, made me laugh and brightened my day.

Source: stonestalk2.wordpress.com

There's a thing that I need to admit to myself and to the world, to realize for real, that I SCREWED IT UP. I made the biggest mistake of my life. And I will never forgive myself for what and how I did it. I LET HIM GO. I just … watched him leave and I did nothing. And when I say »let him go«, I mean literally ... go. I had the chance of making something out of the situation that we were in. It could be so simple. It would change the my-life story. But no, I watched him slowly drive away from the driveway of my house.

We spent the day full of suprises. That summer day was better than any ever planned. Actually, the time that we spent together was around 3 hours, but it felt like whole day, so much things worth remembering happened. Spent the day outside and then in his home, but the point is, that he drove me home at the end. I left the car, I was standing almost at the front door, and I was looking at him through the mirror in the car, noticing that he was also looking at me. So we just froze for like five seconds and then I made that goddamn mistake. I shouldn't have moved to the front door like I am leaving inside the house. Because of that move, he logically drove on to the road. But there's something he doesn't know. When I stepped away from the point where he could see me, I sit down on the stair in front of the door and buried my head in my hands, thinking 'why am I doing this?'. Like that, I waited to hear the sound of wheels on gravel. While listening to this sound, I knew. I knew, that was the biggest mistake I ever made. If I could re-do that day, it would probably end differently. If you, dear reader, are still reading this, now you know, why I said that I literally let him go.

Source: whispersforthesoul.com

To this day, my feelings for him haven't changed, I just haven't seen him in so long, his picture is fading. I would do something, if I just knew he feels anything close to what I feel. And it's not just feelings, it's also attraction, physical attraction that I feel for him, zero other boys made me craving for them. To get the picture – he just has to anyhow ask for it, to get it, big time. Well, this heart-breaking story just got a dirty twist, but hey, I'm just writing the truth down. 

While thinking how to describe my desire for him, I came across this thought, which describes how I see him the best.  

Believe it or not, I think I would rather have a woman, than have any other man than him.

tanci94

Me, behave? Hell no!

Me, behave? Hell no!

Firstly, just to get an impression, here's something that describes me perfectly:

"Some people think I'm crazy, but some people KNOW that I am."

(I just wrote that. I know, I know - such a poet.)

Source: favim.com

Whenever people are not at home, somewhere out, they are careful about their look, what they do, the attitude and so on.. but not me. I simply don't care how I present myself to the world around me. I don't care how my face looks at the moment, what I'm wearing, is my hair okay.. I just don't see, why would that be important in any way. Okay, I get that you have to be properly dressed for school, church or job, and of course I'm dressed like I should be in this situations. What I'm saying is, that when I go out with friends or while meeting new people, I don't care how I look or behave, I'm just good old me. Weird myself. 

As a result, I behave, like I'm at home, talking to myself, I make weird faces, talk loudly, sometimes scream across the hall to another friend, and then everybody is staring at me. At that times I think: 'Yeah, that's me, so face it!' I don't even try to make new friends, I actually made a few just BECAUSE I am the way that I am. I met some people, who are not afraid to look stupid in public, at college, on the bus. So actually, being completely myself has helped me to find exactly those human beings, who fit to my personality perfectly. If that's not something great, then I don't know what is!

Source: rachelslookbook.com

I'm not trying to make a good impression or trying to be similar to others in some situations, but I'm not saying that I'm not polite. I don't want to be rude! Who would want that? So, when I say, that I behave as I please, I mean - as I please WITH a nice heart to others. I guess. Seems legit to me!

Ya, about that behavior thing... I laugh loudly and retarded. I have so many different laughs, that probably not even one video on whole YouTube describes all the types of them. I'm laughing at anything, nothing, and everything, except for the actual jokes, because I often don't get them hahaha :D if you're ever looking for me, just follow your ears and you'll find me sooner as with using your eyes. People around me often look at me as 'what the hell is funny?' or 'would you stop already?' Unfortunately I find that amusing, so it makes it even worse.

Source: sodahead.com

So, if you're intending to become my friend, I have to warn you right now! Our behavior might get us into trouble, or (more possibly) you'll loose all your normal friends. When you're joining me = joining the weird club. To the weirdness!

tanci94