Valentine's Day: Yay or Nay?

This years Valentine's Day is like any other. Every year there are couples holding hands and giving each other presents, every year there are married couples who don't specifically celebrate it, just feel more passion in the air and have their special evening. There are families with kids, where parents explain the meaning of a Valentine in a really cute way to their kids. There are fresh couples who just got together in February, they don't even know much about the other half, so they buy each other teddy bears and chocolates. This year, there will be tons of people gathering at watching 50 Shades of Grey on the big screen. 

Source: www.deviantart.com

And then, there's us. Single ones. Doesn't matter how old, where from, gender or race, on Valentine's we ask ourselves where are we going with our lifes and if we are ever going to find a partner. There are also single people who celebrate being single on this day, often finding someone as 'last minute' match, you know, just because it's Valentine's Day. 

Every person sees this 'holiday' differently, with different meanings, so I'll say, let it be yours. Celebrate whatever the hell you want and however you want. A good book or a movie with right amount of food will be just as nice as holding tight to a loved one. The list of things to do is never ending, and you might as well begin at 'I-feel-like-crap' point and finish at 'this-day-turned-out-to-be-great'. Let it be yours.

tanci94

When Do I Feel Most Weak?

I was thinking about my life and where I am going with it, and I asked myself this question.

'When do I feel most weak?'

Thinking about it, I realized my reasons of weakness. It happens, when I don’t feel heard. When friends don’t contact me back when I desperately need their words or talk. Sometimes I don’t even ask someone for talk or hanging out, just because deep inside I know he/she won’t take time for me anyway. So why would I bother asking then?

Source: www.sodahead.com

I won’t lie, I am getting afraid of feelings that I have lately. And of my thinking. I don’t know, if it is just because it’s this time or the year (Valentine’s Day) when people are happy, and I’m drowning in sorrows, or it is something bigger, that’s is getting its form inside me. And lately, I’m scared of that option number two. Because if that is true, it might lead to depression and constantly feeling down, maybe later I wouldn’t be able to escape it anymore.

Source: kthirteen.deviantart.com 

I believe that I’m not the only one feeling this way, having second thoughts about my life directions and so on … but I just wish I had a buddy to cope this sh*t with. On other hand, I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore, just because I became a little different from what I was before. I am afraid to open myself completely to someone and tell what’s going on. There are moments when I try to do it or I’m thinking about it, but I just don’t. I’m afraid. I’m that little bug in a shell, never coming out of it. I just made that illusion of myself. Oh well, at least I know where I am right now. Or I don’t, because I’m still searching for the answer to “Who am I?”. 

Help me.

I made a YouTube Vlog I'm not living my life as myself, here's a bit of what I am going through right now.
You can check my Pinterest board Tomboy. where I pin photos of tomboys, example of what I want to let out, be like other tomboys, who have the guts to be themselves.

tanci94

If I would have the guts #Tomboy

If I would have the guts

If only I had the courage to change my outcome, how I present myself to people around me. To show the real me inside, with no filters or thinking what should I wear, what should I be saying..

First thing that would change at that point, is my hair. I have long hair now and I hate it. I have it for few years now, before I always had shoulder length hair. But for the last year I'm feeling the need to cut it all off. I want to have hair like a boy, styled as I want to, just how I feel about it. If I wanted to have messed up hair, I would. If I wanted to use lots of hair gel to stlye it, then I would. If I wanted to leave it as 'I woke up like this' thing, then I would. That's what I want and that's what I'm looking for in my future being, when I'll have the guts to cut my hair for real.

Source: andro-boi.tumblr.com

But not just hair, all the outside of me. For instance, how I dress. I have a certain passion for tomboy style clothes. When I am wearing those combinations of clothes, I feel free, I really feel myself being opened and give an opinion about me to the people who see me like that. I also reflect the clothes in acting more like a man or boy-ish, which is also what I loove doing. It's just my thing. I don't feel like a girly girl, I never did. 

Source: Pinterest

But now, when I am becoming more open minded and I see all the posibilities for a human to be, then I begin to question myself, who I am. Before that, I thought that I am that person, that people around me wanted me to be. I thought that there's no other option, that's it. Like I have no word in this. Oh, I was wrong. 

Now I'm begining to understand myself and why I do certain stuff that other girls don't. And at the same time I'm getting lost in all the possibilities for me to be. So hopefully, I'll soon know for sure who I am, and I hope that I'll be able to admit that in front of others too. 

Tanja, just … don't live in a lie.

Check my Pinterest board Tomboy. where I pin photos of tomboys, example of what I want to let out, be like other tomboys, who have the guts to be themselves.

Also I made a YouTube Vlog I'm not living my life as myself, here's a bit of what I am going through right now.

tanci94

Biggest Mistake - I Let Him Go

Biggest Mistake - I Let Him Go

Whenever I play some old songs on my guitar, that I used to play when I felt so in love with that one guy, I immediately remember all of it all over again. Feels like I'm getting pushed through all emotions that I had back there. So I played that Chester Sees song Everything on my guitar, and that song made me remember everything again. Whoever is reading this, must be thinking that I feel sad or depressed right now, but the truth is, that I like to remember it, have thoughts about him, even though we haven't talked in a long time, not to mention how long we haven't seen each other. Gosh, I miss him. As a friend, if nothing else. He was the one, who always brought smile on my face, made me laugh and brightened my day.

Source: stonestalk2.wordpress.com

There's a thing that I need to admit to myself and to the world, to realize for real, that I SCREWED IT UP. I made the biggest mistake of my life. And I will never forgive myself for what and how I did it. I LET HIM GO. I just … watched him leave and I did nothing. And when I say »let him go«, I mean literally ... go. I had the chance of making something out of the situation that we were in. It could be so simple. It would change the my-life story. But no, I watched him slowly drive away from the driveway of my house.

We spent the day full of suprises. That summer day was better than any ever planned. Actually, the time that we spent together was around 3 hours, but it felt like whole day, so much things worth remembering happened. Spent the day outside and then in his home, but the point is, that he drove me home at the end. I left the car, I was standing almost at the front door, and I was looking at him through the mirror in the car, noticing that he was also looking at me. So we just froze for like five seconds and then I made that goddamn mistake. I shouldn't have moved to the front door like I am leaving inside the house. Because of that move, he logically drove on to the road. But there's something he doesn't know. When I stepped away from the point where he could see me, I sit down on the stair in front of the door and buried my head in my hands, thinking 'why am I doing this?'. Like that, I waited to hear the sound of wheels on gravel. While listening to this sound, I knew. I knew, that was the biggest mistake I ever made. If I could re-do that day, it would probably end differently. If you, dear reader, are still reading this, now you know, why I said that I literally let him go.

Source: whispersforthesoul.com

To this day, my feelings for him haven't changed, I just haven't seen him in so long, his picture is fading. I would do something, if I just knew he feels anything close to what I feel. And it's not just feelings, it's also attraction, physical attraction that I feel for him, zero other boys made me craving for them. To get the picture – he just has to anyhow ask for it, to get it, big time. Well, this heart-breaking story just got a dirty twist, but hey, I'm just writing the truth down. 

While thinking how to describe my desire for him, I came across this thought, which describes how I see him the best.  

Believe it or not, I think I would rather have a woman, than have any other man than him.

tanci94