Why am I spending precious time not living?

Lately I feel like I don’t live my life to the fullest. Like I could do so much more in this time that I’m spending on boring regular things that just pass time: work, computer, talks with my roommates and sleeping... I just go from day to day and everything is passing by so quickly. 

Source: kill3r4ev3r.deviantart.com

I don’t feel happy. I look like a ghost, a shadow of myself. Friends often ask me, how come that I’m in a bad mood, while I don’t notice being frustrated or sad. And when I do that thinking late at night, I realise that I didn’t do anything besides regular today. It is a real bummer. I don’t want to spend this year like this. 

Because I failed last year at Uni, I am working this year and not visiting classes. It’s the first year of my life when I have lots of spare time and I don’t know what to do with it. I could go on the streets with my guitar and just entertain or sing for myself or I could do something else that I always wanted, but instead I am focusing on this day from morning to late night. Not good enough for me. 

Source: people.desktopnexus.com

I have always been incredibly ambitious, but this year threw me of the track a bit. I have a hope for next year though. When I'll start the third year of my Uni, stuff should go back to normal. I can see myself sitting in classes every day, being old nerdy me. Always had a bit of a crush on books and learning new stuff. 

Source: favim.com

And right now, I’m completely the opposite.

tanci94

My True Purpose In Life

I found this list of things that I wrote, saved as 'What is my true purpose in life'. Sometimes I write stuff as a diary, to remember things and my thoughts; then I read them later and remember how something felt. I remember writing this... I found this idea online, of making a list to find something new about yourself and set some goals as well. Now, more than a year later, I'm reading this and some of the listings make me think twice. I definitely went deep, when I was writing it, so I'd like to share and discuss some of the stuff I wrote, which is meaningful to me on a completely different level.

These are not in any order of importance; I’m just pointing them out of the list. And others are either too personal or too random, a.k.a. what majority wants to accomplish. Here we go.

1. To become something, that right now I have no clue at all

I was always ambitious, always wanted to try new things and do stuff that I didn't even know I'm able to do. I always crave for new adventures, seeing places I’ve never seen; meet people that right now I don’t know exist. They may contribute to my lifelong story someday, you can never know. I’m that type of person, who believes that your actions now affect your future. Nothing happens ‘just because’ or because it is meant for you. I do believe that it is only you who decide whether you take those chances or not. Do you want different life in few years, evolve it? Then take an opportunity you heard about, but didn’t believe that you can be the right person for it. You will never know without trying.

Source: own albums - Osorščica, Croatia: 2015

2. To tell him about my feelings for him

I’d like to point this one out for one and one reason only. Missed chances. I held back my feelings for way too long and guess what happened. Life moved on for both of us, we drifted apart and all that is left is an old friendship and memories on funny things we’ve done. Whoever is reading this, I want to make sure that you do understand that you just HAVE TO tell what’s on your mind. Sure, it is hard; it can ruin your friendship and drive you apart, but hear me out. Is it really better to drift apart after few years of a great friendship, because the stories changed, after all you’ve been thinking all along is how to tell him and if he feels the same; than loose a possible friend at the start, because he just doesn’t see you this way? Bottom line, at least you know from the start. Do yourself a favour so there won’t be any regrets years later. Take it from me as I learned it the hard way.

Source: Pinterest

3. To find out who I really am

     To accept who I really am

     To tell people who I really am

Finding these three really hit me hard. I had troubles with identity for quite a while and I was not in a good place. So I made it easier for me and accept what I know about myself. There’s plenty more that I don’t know yet, also; so there will really never be an end to self-defining, but at least I keep this in mind and take it as a fact, not an obstacle. You have to be honest with yourself, others come after… To feel good in your own skin is the most important here.

Source: my albums: Me before attending a fair :)

4. Not to disappoint parents

For me, this one is the one that got me thinking the most. I have so many characteristics that my parents either don’t know about or don’t accept. Minor stuff I’d say. But as I grew older, I matured and made own decisions, now there are many things that I didn’t share with my parents. Part of my life is hidden from them, mostly because I’m not living regularly with them anymore. I come back every other weekend, but otherwise I live on the other side of the country. I wouldn’t say that it is a bad thing that they don’t know me that well anymore, it is just tough to think, that one day I will probably share my stories and what I do etc. and they might look differently on me because of that. I’ve always been scared to death that my parents wouldn’t approve something in my life. My family is very important to me, as much as their opinions. So I think that this fear that I have, disappointing parents, will stay with me for the rest of my life. I think I will always have this voice in my head, saying “Is this something my family would approve?” This matters to me as much as I need to hear “I’m proud of you” from any member of my family. You know, the feeling that your family stands behind your actions. I need it.

Source: Cyanide and Happiness

Check my video Letter to my younger self on Youtube, where I gave advise to my 15-years old myself. It's a message that I would appreciate back then.

Here's a Vlog from the most dark days of my confusement about myself, titled as I'm not living my life as myself.

For more regular updates from my life, add me on Snapchat: tanci94

Heads up, cherish every moment of your life.

Source: my albums: Snapchat

tanci94

Valentine's Day: Yay or Nay?

This years Valentine's Day is like any other. Every year there are couples holding hands and giving each other presents, every year there are married couples who don't specifically celebrate it, just feel more passion in the air and have their special evening. There are families with kids, where parents explain the meaning of a Valentine in a really cute way to their kids. There are fresh couples who just got together in February, they don't even know much about the other half, so they buy each other teddy bears and chocolates. This year, there will be tons of people gathering at watching 50 Shades of Grey on the big screen. 

Source: www.deviantart.com

And then, there's us. Single ones. Doesn't matter how old, where from, gender or race, on Valentine's we ask ourselves where are we going with our lifes and if we are ever going to find a partner. There are also single people who celebrate being single on this day, often finding someone as 'last minute' match, you know, just because it's Valentine's Day. 

Every person sees this 'holiday' differently, with different meanings, so I'll say, let it be yours. Celebrate whatever the hell you want and however you want. A good book or a movie with right amount of food will be just as nice as holding tight to a loved one. The list of things to do is never ending, and you might as well begin at 'I-feel-like-crap' point and finish at 'this-day-turned-out-to-be-great'. Let it be yours.

tanci94

When Do I Feel Most Weak?

I was thinking about my life and where I am going with it, and I asked myself this question.

'When do I feel most weak?'

Thinking about it, I realized my reasons of weakness. It happens, when I don’t feel heard. When friends don’t contact me back when I desperately need their words or talk. Sometimes I don’t even ask someone for talk or hanging out, just because deep inside I know he/she won’t take time for me anyway. So why would I bother asking then?

Source: www.sodahead.com

I won’t lie, I am getting afraid of feelings that I have lately. And of my thinking. I don’t know, if it is just because it’s this time or the year (Valentine’s Day) when people are happy, and I’m drowning in sorrows, or it is something bigger, that’s is getting its form inside me. And lately, I’m scared of that option number two. Because if that is true, it might lead to depression and constantly feeling down, maybe later I wouldn’t be able to escape it anymore.

Source: kthirteen.deviantart.com 

I believe that I’m not the only one feeling this way, having second thoughts about my life directions and so on … but I just wish I had a buddy to cope this sh*t with. On other hand, I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore, just because I became a little different from what I was before. I am afraid to open myself completely to someone and tell what’s going on. There are moments when I try to do it or I’m thinking about it, but I just don’t. I’m afraid. I’m that little bug in a shell, never coming out of it. I just made that illusion of myself. Oh well, at least I know where I am right now. Or I don’t, because I’m still searching for the answer to “Who am I?”. 

Help me.

I made a YouTube Vlog I'm not living my life as myself, here's a bit of what I am going through right now.
You can check my Pinterest board Tomboy. where I pin photos of tomboys, example of what I want to let out, be like other tomboys, who have the guts to be themselves.

tanci94

If I would have the guts #Tomboy

If I would have the guts

If only I had the courage to change my outcome, how I present myself to people around me. To show the real me inside, with no filters or thinking what should I wear, what should I be saying..

First thing that would change at that point, is my hair. I have long hair now and I hate it. I have it for few years now, before I always had shoulder length hair. But for the last year I'm feeling the need to cut it all off. I want to have hair like a boy, styled as I want to, just how I feel about it. If I wanted to have messed up hair, I would. If I wanted to use lots of hair gel to stlye it, then I would. If I wanted to leave it as 'I woke up like this' thing, then I would. That's what I want and that's what I'm looking for in my future being, when I'll have the guts to cut my hair for real.

Source: andro-boi.tumblr.com

But not just hair, all the outside of me. For instance, how I dress. I have a certain passion for tomboy style clothes. When I am wearing those combinations of clothes, I feel free, I really feel myself being opened and give an opinion about me to the people who see me like that. I also reflect the clothes in acting more like a man or boy-ish, which is also what I loove doing. It's just my thing. I don't feel like a girly girl, I never did. 

Source: Pinterest

But now, when I am becoming more open minded and I see all the posibilities for a human to be, then I begin to question myself, who I am. Before that, I thought that I am that person, that people around me wanted me to be. I thought that there's no other option, that's it. Like I have no word in this. Oh, I was wrong. 

Now I'm begining to understand myself and why I do certain stuff that other girls don't. And at the same time I'm getting lost in all the possibilities for me to be. So hopefully, I'll soon know for sure who I am, and I hope that I'll be able to admit that in front of others too. 

Tanja, just … don't live in a lie.

Check my Pinterest board Tomboy. where I pin photos of tomboys, example of what I want to let out, be like other tomboys, who have the guts to be themselves.

Also I made a YouTube Vlog I'm not living my life as myself, here's a bit of what I am going through right now.

tanci94

Biggest Mistake - I Let Him Go

Biggest Mistake - I Let Him Go

Whenever I play some old songs on my guitar, that I used to play when I felt so in love with that one guy, I immediately remember all of it all over again. Feels like I'm getting pushed through all emotions that I had back there. So I played that Chester Sees song Everything on my guitar, and that song made me remember everything again. Whoever is reading this, must be thinking that I feel sad or depressed right now, but the truth is, that I like to remember it, have thoughts about him, even though we haven't talked in a long time, not to mention how long we haven't seen each other. Gosh, I miss him. As a friend, if nothing else. He was the one, who always brought smile on my face, made me laugh and brightened my day.

Source: stonestalk2.wordpress.com

There's a thing that I need to admit to myself and to the world, to realize for real, that I SCREWED IT UP. I made the biggest mistake of my life. And I will never forgive myself for what and how I did it. I LET HIM GO. I just … watched him leave and I did nothing. And when I say »let him go«, I mean literally ... go. I had the chance of making something out of the situation that we were in. It could be so simple. It would change the my-life story. But no, I watched him slowly drive away from the driveway of my house.

We spent the day full of suprises. That summer day was better than any ever planned. Actually, the time that we spent together was around 3 hours, but it felt like whole day, so much things worth remembering happened. Spent the day outside and then in his home, but the point is, that he drove me home at the end. I left the car, I was standing almost at the front door, and I was looking at him through the mirror in the car, noticing that he was also looking at me. So we just froze for like five seconds and then I made that goddamn mistake. I shouldn't have moved to the front door like I am leaving inside the house. Because of that move, he logically drove on to the road. But there's something he doesn't know. When I stepped away from the point where he could see me, I sit down on the stair in front of the door and buried my head in my hands, thinking 'why am I doing this?'. Like that, I waited to hear the sound of wheels on gravel. While listening to this sound, I knew. I knew, that was the biggest mistake I ever made. If I could re-do that day, it would probably end differently. If you, dear reader, are still reading this, now you know, why I said that I literally let him go.

Source: whispersforthesoul.com

To this day, my feelings for him haven't changed, I just haven't seen him in so long, his picture is fading. I would do something, if I just knew he feels anything close to what I feel. And it's not just feelings, it's also attraction, physical attraction that I feel for him, zero other boys made me craving for them. To get the picture – he just has to anyhow ask for it, to get it, big time. Well, this heart-breaking story just got a dirty twist, but hey, I'm just writing the truth down. 

While thinking how to describe my desire for him, I came across this thought, which describes how I see him the best.  

Believe it or not, I think I would rather have a woman, than have any other man than him.

tanci94

Technology ≠ Quality life.. But can we escape?

Technology ≠ Quality life.. But can we escape?

I had an honest conversation with my mom today, about today’s society and how things are going for the future. And we both agreed that today, there’s too much of everything for a quality life of humans. And by quality, I don’t mean iPhones for everyone and living near big shopping centres, so you could grab anything new within 10 minutes. That’s not a quality life. But we might think that way, just because developers, advertisers and people in government spread that thought with various commercials, convincing us, that’s best for us.

Source: www.inman.com 

There’s no need to say, that more technology that we are able to get and have, more stupid and undeveloped we’re becoming. We like to think we have it all, but we’re sailing to the naive-land, where technology is overcoming us. Big time.

Look at the young population (myself included). Can we go and do something without using any cell phones, computers or cars? And don’t get me started on the internet part. Today, a cafe without Wi-Fi is like pool with no water.. useless. It’s a standard, having it all around, so we can connect to it. But let me ask you something.. connect to what? Huge network, where you can do whatever you want, whether is it for job or school, or social networking, such as Facebook, Twitter, YouTube … where we’re sharing stuff, that we definitely wouldn’t, if we’d meet on the street, like right now. So basically, we’re escaping from reality and actual situation, believing in our success, because 50 people, that you don’t even know in person, just liked your half-naked picture.

Source: diginarrate.net 

The sad part is, that we can’t change much of that. Technology is pulling us towards, and even if we don’t want it, we have to accept it. Example: I can’t apply for exam at my college, if I don’t run computer, open their site, and click that button, so they can collect applications for all students at once. Sure it’s easier and quicker, but it’s just one of many systems, driving us downwards. So what happened to the ratio between simplicity and basic human needs?

Source: blogs.parc.com 

tanci94